Why can't my child go to school?

A Journey with Emotional based school avoidance (EBSA).

Jasper the therapy dog!

In early 2022 not long after we brought a new puppy into our home my 12 year son just broke. I'd spent years navigating school being challenging for him but between learning support assistance and me being not only a Mama but a coach and counsellor to him he just about managed.

Socially school was a challenge, academically school was a challenge, sensory stimulation was a challenge. It was all a bit much but we muddled through.

I navigated my son coming out of school each afternoon ready to blow! On the verge of meltdown and desperate for silence and the sanctuary of home.

I navigated endless meetings about his needs, getting an ADHD diagnosis, ASD referral, Speech and Language Therapy Assessment, Educational Psychology reports, an EHCP, endless conversations about the challenges staff faced trying to get him to conform.

Something happened in 2022 though. He just broke. Talking through his anxieties and spurring him on to feel the fear and do it anyway no longer worked. I was used to everything happening in his own time but no amount of time to calm and steady and try again seemed to be working.

School staff gave well meaning advice about tactics that would only serve to create further attachment trauma and break trust between us. I was his safe haven and I wasn't prepared to take that away from him.

I came under fire from his other parent for not being hard enough on him but I knew my son didn't have any fight left in him because he wasn't arguing with me, he wasn't refusing and justifying his choice, he was stuck. A child who only did angry and didn't do tears was sobbing in front of me 'I don't know why, I just can't'. Frozen in trauma response, his nervous system associated school with danger.

The trauma had reached tipping point. His nervous system could take no more. No more noisy class room with sounds going through him, jarring him, no more strange smells, no more unexpected touch, no more being encouraged to write when it hurt, no more being teased by class 'mates', no more having his needs overlooked.

He was stuck in a high state of autonomic nervous system arousal from years of being in an environment that was a sensory hell for him.

'But everyone else manages, he just has to ignore it'. If only it were that simple!

I spent months taking my child to school only to fail to get him in again and again. Going through the motions so the school could see that I was trying. One day he managed but the teacher piled the pressure on and snap, back to being stuck in the car.

It was perhaps one of the hardest times of my life!

My son wanted to die. He was experiencing 3-4 meltdowns a week. We were both completely emotionally exhausted. I didn't know what was happening to him or what more I could be doing to help him.

I felt completely lost at sea. Everyone questioning what I was doing with the implication that it was just bad behaviour. Even those well meaning advice givers left me questioning myself and made me feel inadequate. Thankfully I had learned enough about child psychology, attachment theory and parenting to know that helping my son feel safe was the priority. If he felt safe in school he would be in school.

I signed myself up to a short ADHD parenting course with ADHD Wise. I had done parenting courses but none specific to ADHD and what a breath of fresh air it was! Finally I was accessing information that made sense of why the usual parenting approaches didn't work. I did understand my child, I did know what was best for him. I had just been speaking to the wrong people. People who didn't understand the ADHD child. The support from ADHD wise gave me some clarity in what I could expect from the school for my child.

I don't remember the first time I came across the term Autistic Burnout but I do remember discovering Viv Dawes just as she had published a workbook on Autistic Burnout. It was such a relief to have a name for what had happened and finally something to go on.

I also discovered the wonderful Dr Naomi Fisher who alongside Eliza Fricker was having the conversations I really needed to here. Eliza's book Can't not Won't was incredibly healing for me to read. Seeing our experience illustrated and spoken about felt so affirming and such a relief. It really soothed those parts of me that felt such a failure and so ashamed that my child was stuck at home, unable to face life, so cripple with anxiety he had no social life.

I adopted the low demand approach to parenting. I had intuitive known that this was what was needed. My son's Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) meant that he had developed Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) or perhaps the SPD was part of PDA or it was all just ADHD. Whatever. All I knew was that my son's nervous system needed to recover and reducing demands on him was the only way forward.

Whilst my child couldn't access school and he needed me more I was really limited in my capacity to work. I knew there was a PTSD element to what had happened. Educational PTSD is unfortunately common for children with SEND (Special Educational Needs and Disabilities) who's needs are not met in schools as our education system is failing them. So what did I know about PTSD? I knew that Hypnotherapy was known to help alleviate the symptoms and I remembered someone I followed on social media teaching Hypnotherapy. I had a taster session myself and long story short I embarked on a diploma course in Creative Analytical Hypnotherapy and Psychotherapy.

And so begun my own personal journey with therapy. I already had a keen interest in complementary therapies and psychology but the course took my own personal development and my interest in how trauma works, effects the body and how to relieve the effects of trauma to a whole new levels. As well as consuming the course content I was consuming audiobooks like 'the body keeps the score' by Bessel Van De Kolk and the works of Gabor Maté.

Whilst the course covered working with Children and Teenagers I competed a CPD course in working with Children and Minors in January 2025 to deepen my understanding and began working with children.

Hypnotherapy with children is highly effective, often much quicker than with adults.

Now I can carry some water back to those still navigating the fires of EBSA, Autistic Burnout, the children and parents who are not fine in school! I can now be the person I needed when we were going through it.

I now work with families, offering therapy to both parents and children navigating challenging times.

We don't have massive meltdowns anymore and I really want to help you to get to a place where you don't either, be that through sign posting or therapy please book a free discovery call for an informal chat about how I can help.

With Heart

Rach